my funny valentine

Hey, Red, you up for a trip to Japan anytime soon?

( Because I just found your new favorite restaurant~ )

Fuck yeah, I'm back to young hot normal~

Is anyone still a little kid, and if so, can I come taunt you?

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WHAT THE FUCK.
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Does anyone know what time The Price is Right comes on? I have a slightly overwhelming urge to watch it.

And Westley? I think that maybe it would be a better idea if I didn't go to Vietnam tomorrow.

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Whoever is going downstairs to tag, register and file the mapinguari I brought back? Number one, you need to do it while the thing's still sedated, for sure, or it will rip your head off. Literally. I saw it happen to one of my guides. And number two, wear a gas mask. I'm not joking. I'm still woozy just from being on the plane with my mask off.

Have fun with that one.

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Captain Jack Sparrow, I have some cachaça that I am not exactly up to drinking, if you want to come and get it. I actually don't know anyone else who likes rum quite as much as you do, so I thought you might like it a little more than anyone else around here.

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Okay, don't get me wrong: Africa really beautiful, and the people are great, but there is some messed up stuff out there. Like, how many of you have ever watched a bird with breasts try to breastfeed an infant poison? Well, thanks to Morocco, I can safely say that I have. That is not normal! Not even by demon standards! Also, it's really nerve-wracking to try and shoot a bird-with-tits that is holding a baby. That mad dash through the window to catch the kid was not my idea of fun.

Oh, and then there were the awesome Janziri in Niger. Who doesn't love fighting with sewage monsters that give you STDs and make you crazy? Why do these things even exist! Fortunately with that one, all the infected people went back to normal once those things were dead. Which was hard to do and incredibly smelly. God.

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Is there a way that I can... I don't know, stay in my office until demons attack Vegas or places with nice beaches, or luxury hotels with spas in them? I will be a lot prompter with the paperwork if I don't have to take horrible, disgusting missions, I can promise that.

On the other hand, I will get to complain a lot less if I only have good missions. Plus, the Hausa gave me one of their head ties for killing the gutter monster, and it looks pretty cool. And also totally ridiculous, but mostly cool. It's draped over the back of my couch, because I am never wearing it.

I think my point is, I don't think it's fair that I got tit birds and sewage monsters in the same week, much less the same trip.

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Now that's what I call an assignment! Anytime the beaches of Montenegro need their tenatz eradicated, you are free to put me on that sucker, Westley. Next time, though, I would appreciate accommodations with an unobstructed ocean view. Thank you~!

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I brought some kaymak back from Petrovac, so if you want to give it a try, it's in the field break room fridge.

... so when are we starting these reassessments?

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Last week, after I got back from Malawi, I went to Isabelle et Vincent, and bought myself some cookies, because I got my tax refund and also no one has made cookies and put them in the break room for a while. These are incredibly good and incredibly expensive cookies. I put these cookies in an inconspicuous jar, which I then hid in a box of cleaning supplies that was under the sink in the -4 floor break room. Today, while wrapping up paperwork, I went to grab them for savoring.

They are no longer there.

I am going to ask one time, nicely. Confessing now will save you a great deal of pain later.

Who took those cookies from the cookie jar?

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So it took like, three days, but I finally convinced the morgens to stop flooding those three little villages in Wales. They were not happy though, and I would not be surprised if we get a few reports of drowned men. They're faeries though, and really, we can't do shit-all to control them, so we're just going to have to send heavier artillery out to deal with them if they start killing people. They told me they wouldn't, but again, they're freaking faeries, and I don't trust them.

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I just realized that my apartment hasn't been cleaned in like, a month, thanks to the recent crazy where no one was dead anymore. Is there like, a maid service or something? I know that there's janitorial cleaning up downstairs, can I utilize that? I feel like I give enough of myself to the agency to deserve someone coming up to vacuum. Someone needs to get back to me on this.

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I think we need to go drinking.

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Just to be clear, since we're kind of devoid of holding cells at the moment, is it cool if I terminate creepy-crawlies and other undesirables with more extreme prejudice than usual? Because... where are we gonna put 'em?

Plus, I'm not getting that much sleep right now, so I don't know how well I can deal with all of that 'restraint' stuff Harvey keeps talking about.

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So, I know that I said I don't like going out to the cold countries, but seriously, Westley? The Syrian Desert? I meant that I would prefer like, a beach in Antigua or something. You are such a jerk.

Anyway, turns out that the monster those Bedouin tribesmen were complaining about was some kind of massive prehistoric camel, probably accidentally resurrected by some wayward witchcraft or something. Doesn't matter, I shot it between the eyes, because I'm pretty sure that extinct animals are supposed to stay that way. It's not like they could have domesticated it anyway, and I'm almost certain that the tribe wound up with enough meat from it to feed everyone for like, three weeks.

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Anyone up for some pool in a greasy dive bar? I am definitely feeling like that would be a good idea right now.

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So that charity thing was fun, I guess. I got to be on Page Six's website in a cleavage-baring dress, so that was okay. I still can't believe I went home alone, all those millionaires, god By the way, there was hardly enough food there for an army of me, Tony.

I'm going to go see if I can hunt down a good poker game. Someone call my cell on Christmas to make sure I'm not dead.

So, hey, Westley or Harvey or whoever will yell at me the least.

Can we file some paperwork to declare the BRPD as a research institution? Because I may or may not have a rhesus monkey sleeping in a cage in my living room, and it's apparently illegal to have those around without being some sort of official research facility. I wouldn't have taken him, but I didn't think it was very polite to turn down a shaman's gift. I mean, the guy does a lot for me, so...

On that note, does anyone want a rhesus monkey? He's pretty cute, as evidenced by this picture I took earlier.


His name is Peanut Butter Cups. Someone, please take him before he wakes up.

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Yeah, sorry that I kind of disappeared there. Just a tip, if any of you are out and about in the area, and you hear whistling or drumming coming from right in front of you, but there's no one there? You should turn the other way. And if any long-haired, vaguely elven men randomly appear and ask about me? You don't know me.

Other than that, everything's cool.

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So hey, who knew that they tie bells to the dogs' collars for Christmas at the tracks in Jersey? I sure didn't. I also didn't know that the holiday show at the Tropicana would be such a huge waste of my time to sneak into. I mean, I wasn't doing anything else, not after I got kicked off the blackjack table under suspicion of counting, but still, I could have been eating at the buffet or something.

Anyway, I'm back now that it's all clear.

I do not like Nova Scotia. Someone tell those fuckers to install a big-ass heating dome over that whole damn place. I am not willingly going back to anywhere that cold again.

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Zombies are dead. Dead again? Re-dead? Whatever.

I'm fucking serious, Westley, I'm not going anywhere that cold again. How are you enjoying that zombie heart, by the way? I changed my mind about not getting you a souvenir -- when I saw it, I just knew I had to get it for you.

A token of my love for you~


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I hope everyone else likes their body parts, too. Sorry that the hand I got you is kind of disintegrating, H.B., but all the other righties got blown to shreds.

So, let me just say this: Anyone going to that McDonald's over on Round Hill Rd? Yeah, don't order a milkshake there. I'm not gonna say why, just don't.

Fries are fine, though.


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That whole thing with the developers and the Nuno sa Punso is resolved. I don't know who the hell let them into the Philippines without telling them about those things, but I guess a week of pissing ink will get them to stop whipping their dicks out on every damn anthill, won't it?

That guy with the hairy back was just furry though, I think he was hoping for a miracle or something.

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Who wants to buy me margaritas~~?